I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
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