When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
