The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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