You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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