When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
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