my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
