There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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