She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
