He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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