I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
