hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize
