I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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