I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
23 Insane Reasons People Got Fired
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.