I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
