just come out here and I will go home with you...
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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