all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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