Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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