If i come over, it means nothing
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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