I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
