I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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