Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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