there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
