I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
