I'm gonna have a badass scar
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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