This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
