pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
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