Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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