You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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