just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
