Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
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