Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
