It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
