If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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