He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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