she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I need a burrito and a hug.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
