I need to stop coming to work sober
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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