Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
