I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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