Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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