went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
