ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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