I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
