You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
