when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
