my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
