just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
