you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
