I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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