my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
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