i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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