his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
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Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
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Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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