someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize